Looking back and looking forward

Are you loving or loathing the lead up to Christmas and the year end?

I’m finding there are SO many things to consider with this extended family of mine, made up of me, my daughter and her dad; my partner (of 3 years, who lives 400 miles north of London, in Scotland) his 2 children and their mum; my parents, grandparents, siblings and their children; my partner’s parents, grandparent, sister and her family – we’re just about coordinated in what’s going on, where, when and with whom. And then there’s the gift buying (on a budget!) …which is mildly doing my head in – thank goodness for the internet!

To be fair, I actually love this holiday season. I’m not that fussed about receiving gifts (there’s a fine line for me between ‘love it, keep it’ and ‘not relevant, ditch it’), but I adore spending time with family and seeing my daughter laugh and play with her cousins and friends.

My daughter’s dad and I have alternate Christmases with her. This is his year so my daughter will be away 5 full days from Christmas Eve. Bit of a heart wrench – but I’m getting better at doing extended amounts of time away from her, even at special family times like this.

I’ve noticed that my mindset is very different this year compared to 6 years ago on the first Christmas my ex had our daughter. What a challenging year that was – a learning curve for us all. Since then, I’ve learned some new skills, worked out what works best for us all and have applied it for increasingly peaceful results. This process has been applied in so many situations with my daughter and my ex that I’ve written my Feature Article on it this month: 7 Smart Tips for Single Parenting Christmas Success.

Have a wonderful finale to 2008 and a prosperous, peaceful and exciting look forward to 2009 (and get yourself onto our Silver Success Circle list – see below – for ongoing goal setting and goal getting for the upcoming 12 months!).

7 Smart Tips for Single Parenting Holiday Success

1. Get clear about what makes the holidays valuable: Make time to share what you remember about what made this season valuable for you in your childhood and ensure that your children know that quality (time, relationships, and values are) as opposed to having quantity of these things.
2. Prepare and plan: Who are you going to send cards and gifts to? With more thought there can be more meaning – and if you’re really smart this can bring the price tag down too.
3. Create a good holiday ambiance at home: Take some time to make paper chains, cards, decorations for the tree, cinnamon-smelling fruits (if that’s your thing!). Make it a special time for you and your children to share. Again, these memories will last for your children and have benefits way beyond and a Nintendo.
4. Have open negotiations with your children’s other parent about what’s the best design for the holidays: Get the children involved if they’re old enough and try to come to an agreement ahead of time. Where your children are younger, both parents would be smart to have a united message about what’s best for ‘sharing’ holidays.
5. If you want to have company over the holidays, get together with friends or with other single parents (or with church if that’s your thing): It might not be what you’ve traditionally done, but there’s no right or wrong way to do holiday itself. Get creative!
6. Make an occasion of the simple things: Relax in the afternoon with a great family movie and a glass of wine. Celebrate every moment.
7. Congratulate yourself as an amazing parent: Get your nails done, your hair done, have a massage or a bit of pampering. Whatever it is – while you treat yourself remind yourself that you’ve been outstanding this year and your children are blessed to have you on their side.

The 3 Essentials for Confident, Strong, Empowered Children (and Parents)!!

Part of my personal development regime is to read for at least 15 minutes per day and to meditate for an equal length of time. If that sounds like a discipline in any way – believe me it is! Can I just highlight that this is an intention and I’ve been practicing for years to get it to become a habit. Last month, November, was far from ideal and I managed to create a quiet time of 15 minutes twice only. And I’m aiming for improvement for December!

When I DO make the time I get the investment back in bundles. I had a moment earlier today when I asked myself ‘What has to be in place to allow our children to develop their strengths and uniqueness as they grow? Plus, how do parents do this whilst still maintaining an element of control within our households?’ These are the 3 things that sprang to mind immediately:

1. Set Clear Boundaries
This, at first glance, might appear to be restricting, but boundaries are the most empowering facet of our reality. You see, when we’re clear about what’s not allowed, not healthy, not appreciated or not constructive, we can live with a set of parameters inside which our characters can truly excel.

For example, if I tell my daughter that ‘jumping on furniture is not allowed’ and give her the reasons why, then I can be confident that in any social environment that particular challenge won’t occur. If she agrees to play within that boundary, I can confidently take her to friends, restaurants, shops and out for treats. Same with rules around how we use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, how we behave at the table, how we dress on a school day, how we speak respectfully, how we do what we say we’re going to do, what time is bedtime and what to do when approached by a stranger.

Boundaries also work for parents to keep at the top of our game. I commit to boundaries around communication for me and my ex, around schedules (so if I say 5 pm I’ll have to be there), how much time I invest with work, how much time I’m away, how much time my daughter and I do ‘educational’ stuff with our free time and how much we just play or chill out, how late I stay up and how much I spend on fitness and aloe products (which I love!!).

2. Instill a Sense of Freedom
My grandfather died about 3 years ago at the age of 94. About 6 months before he died I was visiting him and granny (who’s still with us at nearly 96!). I asked my grandad ‘If you had your time over again is there anything you’d do differently?’ He said one thing, ‘I’d say “be careful” less’.

Our children are growing up in a fearful culture. They don’t walk to school alone, they are warned about playground safety, cycling safety, stranger safety. They climb a tree, we say ‘be careful’. They head out to football club, or to gymnastics … ‘be careful’. They head out with their friends (when they’re a bit older) and we say ‘take care’.

I’m not saying that some of these lessons aren’t wise – they are. I’m saying that to get the most out of anyone (including ourselves); their creativity, their full talent, their inspiration, their uniqueness sometimes we have to adopt a slightly different motto: ‘Take a walk on the wild side’!

3. Love Unconditionally
Absolutely and without a doubt the most powerful thing for a parent to instill in their child is that they are unconditionally loved. And this isn’t a soft, fluffy kind of love (although that’s essential too!!). This type creates a foundation of strength from which our children grow in confidence, self-belief and bold creativity from childhood to adulthood to pension-drawing age.

I remember when I was 17 years old and I wanted to take a year out to travel. The night before I left to Australia (alone … except for a backpack … eeek!), I stayed with my parents so that they could give me a lift to the airport the next day. As I was going to bed I got this huge surge of fear … ‘What was I thinking? A year? I don’t want to be alone in a strange country for A YEAR?!’

When my mum came in to say goodnight, I told her ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m not going’. She smiled, sat down on my bed and said ‘Yes you are. I know you’re scared just now but here’s the deal; if you have 10 bad days in a row, just get on a flight and come home. If you have 3 difficult days then a good one, you have to start counting from 1 again. Your dad and I will always be here and you can come home whenever you need to and stay for as long as you like. But you decided to do this and it’s going to be such an adventure! You can do this. I love you and I’m SO proud of you!’

So clearly, I went! For a year!! Confident that if things were too challenging for too long, then my parents would be supportive and loving when I appeared back on their doorstep.

I’m nearly 40 years old now. And I’m still aware that the 10 day rule applies with my parents although I’ve never used it! Even through divorce, single parenting, redundancy, and new businesses launches, my confidence and happiness – which originates with the unconditional love I received in my family home – has allowed me to discover a deeper, more positive, unlimited part of me than I could have imagined existed all those years ago.

LOVE your children unconditionally and they’ll grow into adults who love their children unconditionally. This is our highest calling, our richest legacy!

Learning from other single parents

This week I’ve been exposed to such an extraordinary array of different single parenting scenarios and it’s really got me thinking. As single parent families we have some similarities. However each of us is unique; with unique stories, children, ex’s, expectations for the future and challenges to overcome.

So when I find it difficult to share my daughter every second weekend with her dad, I’m now contrasting that with the situation my amazing single parent friend with 3 boys is in. His wife died 18 months ago and his challenge is one of never having a weekend off. Even if there was a capable friend to help, his youngest is still under 2 years old. So it’s a big responsibility for a carer, not to mention the separation anxiety of the parent. Sharing versus Support.

And when I’m struggling to fit in work, childcare, fitness and finances and get somewhat miffed that my ex has such limited responsibility for our daughter, I’m now contrasting my situation with that of an amazing single mum I met this week. Her ex husband won’t allow her to go abroad on holiday with their son without his prior permission (on threat of court proceedings). Responsibility versus Restriction.

I also contrast my own 6-year single parenting experience to that of my expert friend Cherie who’s been thriving single-handedly with her 3 children for over 20 years. What a lot I know, but speaking to her … what a lot there is still out to there to learn.

I guess we’re all just somewhere along the road of our unique journey. My experience is to observe and listen to those on a similar journey whilst reminding myself that there’s no right or wrong way to do this. We’ve got to acknowledge our own style, our own aspirations, our children’s characters, our ex’s involvement (or not), our resourcefulness, our creativity, our positivity and our unique talent to influence the future to be anything we want it to be.

I know that Christmas is coming up for a lot of parents. Personally I’m still in denial that it’s come round so fast, so I’m going to leave discussing it ‘til next time we talk!

Please keep emailing me your parenting tips – short or long, I absolutely love them!