Well, with mouths to feed, nappies to buy, a nanny to finance and a mortage to pay, there was no resting-on-my-laurel allowed. So, I spent a month trying to find another salaried job. Nothing. I spent a month considering what I’d always wanted to do and there – ting! – was the answer to my dreams. I wanted to work for myself. I wanted to use what I knew to bring out the best in others. And from that very day, I began to strive towards that dream.

Just 3 months after that day, I had completed my first level of executive coaching training and had taken on my first client. My business grew steadily. My clients list grew and each year I learned more, shared more, invested more in myself. My client list continued to grow.  

I’ve never been happier, more fulfilled or felt more in control of my future than since I’ve run my own businesses. On the same hand, I’ve never stretched, learned and challenged my own limited thinking about myself and my capabilities.

If you’ve ever considered taking this path for yourself – and let’s face it, we single parents need more flexibility around working hours and the ability to earn than most – then here’s some things that I’ve learned along the way. Here are my hard-learned top tips:

1. Do something you LOVE 

Working for yourself is a steep learning curve and as much as you learn about the practicalities of business, you’ll learn about yourself too. If you’re putting yourself through this process you may as well be creating something you believe in, something that inspires you, something that you know you were born to share with the world.

2. Build a support network

There are days when I thought I’d never make the dream a reality. On those days my support network were invaluable – my dad, my friend Cherie, my coaches and my mastermind groups. Thank God for them! Be selective about who you share your dreams with – they can be shattered in a moment if those championing you are in any way threatened by your drive to succeed. Two, maybe three people at the most is all you need. If you don’t know the right people yet, just hold the intention for them to reveal themselves to you … stand back, and watch the magic!

3. Invest in yourself

Mindset is a huge part of succeeding in business, but you don’t just develop that overnight. Invest in your own development along the way. I used books, business coaches, seminars and mentors – and when I had enough spare money, I flew to the states to learn the latest new business theories from those at the forefront of their games. Did it pay off? In bucket loads!! 

4. The marketing is more important than the mastery

You cannot run a successful business if nobody knows how brilliant your product or service is. If you have the choice of advancing your craft or increasing your marketing know-how, choose the latter. The most gifted doctor in the world will remain poor if he can’t get his name out to his prospective clients. Trust me on this one! Don’t get sucked in by schools or course ‘sellers’ who tell you that if you increase your mastery your business will magically increase. Invest in marketing. As your business and client-base grow, you’ll learn along the way.

5. Embrace new technology

I know this one might scare you! Trust me, I’ve been going through this for years now. Just when I think I’veconquered my technology fears a whole other area of learning (and opportunity) opens up. For single parents the freedom that comes from running your own business – especially one where you work from home with huge flexiblity – is priceless. Face your fears! Keep up-to-date with email, internet, social media and your world-wide marketplace. It will change the way you do business. I will open new doors. It will empower you to ‘keep up with the kids’!

If you’ve ever considered setting up your own business as an Entrepreneur and a Single Mum, there are specific skills, processes and opportunities you’d be smart to know about. My Silver Success Circle teleclass in July will be covering this topic in detail. You can sign up at: http://www.successfulsingleparenting.com/SilverSuccessCircle/joinus.html

There ARE ways to train yourself to raise your awareness and increase your positive thinking. Here’s my Top 5 Stragegies:

* Get conscious about who you spend your time around: doom and gloom merchants will bring you down. Invest time with people you know who have traits you’d like to develop. 

* Be very selective about what goes into your mind: I choose now not to read a news paper, I don’t listen to news on the radio or watch it on TV. These are highly sophisticted communication mediums and you are not in control of the mindset they come from. Instead how about studying some great books about success principles and mindset, reading uplifting biographies, watching an inspiring movie and listening to empowering music. 

* Design some affirmations: write 3-5 positive statements that you want to be true for you. Like: ” I am an intuitive parent and my children are amazing human beings!”; “My work is of service to millions of people and I thrive when they thrive”; ” I have infinite choice and abundant opportunities – I trust my intuition to guide me to my purpose and success”. Write whatever is true for your dream and your vision

* Use only positive language: Practice saying uplifting, gracious, encouraging words to yourself and to others. I remember what my granny used to say: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. And that’s more true in these complicated times than ever. People need us to be light, life and love – so give out what you want to get back.

* Practice: Training your mind to serve you to its highest ability is a massive skill set. You wouldn’t learn to swim, play chess, or be in a relationship in a day, so you’ll have to be patient with this vision too. A wise man once said, “Persistence is the twin sister of excellence. One is a matter of quality; the other, a matter of time.”. Be patient with your progress and remember that this is YOUR journey, so don’t fall into the trap of comparing your progress with those around you.

As I write this I’m really reminding my self of these lessons. You see the changes I’m making in my life just now are BIG. I’ve letting go of my first business (which has successfully provided for me and my daughter for nearly 7 years) and I’m going to focus full-time in Successful Single Parenting (woohoo!). Supporting, sharing knowledge, uplifting, equipping, encouraging and empowering every single parent mum and non-resident dad that’s out there. Anyone parenting in an extended family who wants to do it better, smarter, wiser, more calmly, lovingly and peacefully. This is my calling, my vision, my change, my opportunity.

Stay amazing!

My friend Juliette (she’s a single parent too) was in the same boat and brought her son over for supper that evening.  We got talking about the pressure that single parents manage on an ongoing basis – the angst caused from having 100% responsibility for both parenting and provision.

I pondered with her what it must be like to have a second income come into my household for no extra time investment on my side.  Neither of us had ever experienced that because we’d single parented from pregnancy.  Like, what would it be like to know that all my earnings cover my home, bills, clothes and food anyway, but there’d be another person in the household to earn, say a minimum of £25,000 more?  What would we do with that?  I mean, it doesn’t need to go on essentials (because I have that covered) so it would just be for spending and for saving.  Imagine?

THEN we took that scenario a step further and questioned why it sounded too good to be true.  And we realized that the investment to have a 2-income household is the commitment to a co-habiting partner (or marriage if that’s your thing).

I thought about that for a bit – and decided that I’m more equipped to go out and earn that extra £25K myself.  So that’s my first ’09 goal.  Sorted.

This year we’re launching some out-of-this world programs to allow each of you to have more money, time and freedom month-by-month to the year end.  It’s going to be our Silver Success Circle debut – watch this space.

• Allow yourself to dream about what perfect would look like.
• Then break that down into monthly and weekly action points.
• Keep a daily ‘success diary’ of every piece of that dream you’re achieving.  I absolutely see you thriving!!

2.  Hold yourself accountable to someone who believes in you (friend, family, coach or mentor)

• There’s power in partnership.  So make an arrangement with at least one other person to keep you progressing towards your dreams.  OR join a mastermind group (maybe the Silver Success Circle if it fits for you at our launch).
• Set realistic daily and weekly goals so that you can achieve and be constantly encouraged.
• Have your mentor challenge you when you delay and encourage you when you’re victorious.

3.  Evolve your environment

• If your physical surroundings don’t support who you aim to be … make a list of the ‘old me’ things, then commit to change them one by one.  It could be simple things like nicer cutlery, rugs or bed linen OR a commitment to beautifying generally like ensuring there are fresh flowers in your sitting room every week.
• Sometimes progress requires that we assess our emotional surroundings.  Each of us takes on the values of the 5 people we spend the most time around.  Assess who those people are for you, and if their lives are ones you aspire to.  If not, begin to network in different places until you have frequent exposure to those that inspire you to progress.  (Again, the Silver Success Circle will supply much of this for you – we’ll have you reaching for the stars!!)
• Become aware of your spiritual environment.  When I say this I mean that we take on limiting thoughts from childhood that continue to fill our minds as adults.  Three books I highly recommend to get you to a sky’s-the-limit mindset are:

• As a Man Thinketh – James Allen (It’s short – I’m a slow reader and completed this in about 4 hours)
• A Return to Love – Marianne Williamson (I adore this book!)
• A New Earth – Eckhart Tolle (Tip: if you’re stuck for time start with the last chapter!!)

I’m finding there are SO many things to consider with this extended family of mine, made up of me, my daughter and her dad; my partner (of 3 years, who lives 400 miles north of London, in Scotland) his 2 children and their mum; my parents, grandparents, siblings and their children; my partner’s parents, grandparent, sister and her family – we’re just about coordinated in what’s going on, where, when and with whom. And then there’s the gift buying (on a budget!) …which is mildly doing my head in – thank goodness for the internet!

To be fair, I actually love this holiday season. I’m not that fussed about receiving gifts (there’s a fine line for me between ‘love it, keep it’ and ‘not relevant, ditch it’), but I adore spending time with family and seeing my daughter laugh and play with her cousins and friends.

My daughter’s dad and I have alternate Christmases with her. This is his year so my daughter will be away 5 full days from Christmas Eve. Bit of a heart wrench – but I’m getting better at doing extended amounts of time away from her, even at special family times like this.

I’ve noticed that my mindset is very different this year compared to 6 years ago on the first Christmas my ex had our daughter. What a challenging year that was – a learning curve for us all. Since then, I’ve learned some new skills, worked out what works best for us all and have applied it for increasingly peaceful results. This process has been applied in so many situations with my daughter and my ex that I’ve written my Feature Article on it this month: 7 Smart Tips for Single Parenting Christmas Success.

Have a wonderful finale to 2008 and a prosperous, peaceful and exciting look forward to 2009 (and get yourself onto our Silver Success Circle list – see below – for ongoing goal setting and goal getting for the upcoming 12 months!).

When I DO make the time I get the investment back in bundles. I had a moment earlier today when I asked myself ‘What has to be in place to allow our children to develop their strengths and uniqueness as they grow? Plus, how do parents do this whilst still maintaining an element of control within our households?’ These are the 3 things that sprang to mind immediately:

1. Set Clear Boundaries
This, at first glance, might appear to be restricting, but boundaries are the most empowering facet of our reality. You see, when we’re clear about what’s not allowed, not healthy, not appreciated or not constructive, we can live with a set of parameters inside which our characters can truly excel.

For example, if I tell my daughter that ‘jumping on furniture is not allowed’ and give her the reasons why, then I can be confident that in any social environment that particular challenge won’t occur. If she agrees to play within that boundary, I can confidently take her to friends, restaurants, shops and out for treats. Same with rules around how we use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, how we behave at the table, how we dress on a school day, how we speak respectfully, how we do what we say we’re going to do, what time is bedtime and what to do when approached by a stranger.

Boundaries also work for parents to keep at the top of our game. I commit to boundaries around communication for me and my ex, around schedules (so if I say 5 pm I’ll have to be there), how much time I invest with work, how much time I’m away, how much time my daughter and I do ‘educational’ stuff with our free time and how much we just play or chill out, how late I stay up and how much I spend on fitness and aloe products (which I love!!).

2. Instill a Sense of Freedom
My grandfather died about 3 years ago at the age of 94. About 6 months before he died I was visiting him and granny (who’s still with us at nearly 96!). I asked my grandad ‘If you had your time over again is there anything you’d do differently?’ He said one thing, ‘I’d say “be careful” less’.

Our children are growing up in a fearful culture. They don’t walk to school alone, they are warned about playground safety, cycling safety, stranger safety. They climb a tree, we say ‘be careful’. They head out to football club, or to gymnastics … ‘be careful’. They head out with their friends (when they’re a bit older) and we say ‘take care’.

I’m not saying that some of these lessons aren’t wise – they are. I’m saying that to get the most out of anyone (including ourselves); their creativity, their full talent, their inspiration, their uniqueness sometimes we have to adopt a slightly different motto: ‘Take a walk on the wild side’!

3. Love Unconditionally
Absolutely and without a doubt the most powerful thing for a parent to instill in their child is that they are unconditionally loved. And this isn’t a soft, fluffy kind of love (although that’s essential too!!). This type creates a foundation of strength from which our children grow in confidence, self-belief and bold creativity from childhood to adulthood to pension-drawing age.

I remember when I was 17 years old and I wanted to take a year out to travel. The night before I left to Australia (alone … except for a backpack … eeek!), I stayed with my parents so that they could give me a lift to the airport the next day. As I was going to bed I got this huge surge of fear … ‘What was I thinking? A year? I don’t want to be alone in a strange country for A YEAR?!’

When my mum came in to say goodnight, I told her ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m not going’. She smiled, sat down on my bed and said ‘Yes you are. I know you’re scared just now but here’s the deal; if you have 10 bad days in a row, just get on a flight and come home. If you have 3 difficult days then a good one, you have to start counting from 1 again. Your dad and I will always be here and you can come home whenever you need to and stay for as long as you like. But you decided to do this and it’s going to be such an adventure! You can do this. I love you and I’m SO proud of you!’

So clearly, I went! For a year!! Confident that if things were too challenging for too long, then my parents would be supportive and loving when I appeared back on their doorstep.

I’m nearly 40 years old now. And I’m still aware that the 10 day rule applies with my parents although I’ve never used it! Even through divorce, single parenting, redundancy, and new businesses launches, my confidence and happiness – which originates with the unconditional love I received in my family home – has allowed me to discover a deeper, more positive, unlimited part of me than I could have imagined existed all those years ago.

LOVE your children unconditionally and they’ll grow into adults who love their children unconditionally. This is our highest calling, our richest legacy!

So when I find it difficult to share my daughter every second weekend with her dad, I’m now contrasting that with the situation my amazing single parent friend with 3 boys is in. His wife died 18 months ago and his challenge is one of never having a weekend off. Even if there was a capable friend to help, his youngest is still under 2 years old. So it’s a big responsibility for a carer, not to mention the separation anxiety of the parent. Sharing versus Support.

And when I’m struggling to fit in work, childcare, fitness and finances and get somewhat miffed that my ex has such limited responsibility for our daughter, I’m now contrasting my situation with that of an amazing single mum I met this week. Her ex husband won’t allow her to go abroad on holiday with their son without his prior permission (on threat of court proceedings). Responsibility versus Restriction.

I also contrast my own 6-year single parenting experience to that of my expert friend Cherie who’s been thriving single-handedly with her 3 children for over 20 years. What a lot I know, but speaking to her … what a lot there is still out to there to learn.

I guess we’re all just somewhere along the road of our unique journey. My experience is to observe and listen to those on a similar journey whilst reminding myself that there’s no right or wrong way to do this. We’ve got to acknowledge our own style, our own aspirations, our children’s characters, our ex’s involvement (or not), our resourcefulness, our creativity, our positivity and our unique talent to influence the future to be anything we want it to be.

I know that Christmas is coming up for a lot of parents. Personally I’m still in denial that it’s come round so fast, so I’m going to leave discussing it ‘til next time we talk!

Please keep emailing me your parenting tips – short or long, I absolutely love them!

Six years on I’ve learned that much of the change that’s occurred around those areas has derived from developing a new mindset that then prompts a new reality. Here’s a top-5 list of what I’ve learned is true for me. I hope it will be valuable to you too.

1. I’m a Great Parent

I read somewhere that children reference an average of 5 adults to be significant in their lives to support them in developing from childhood to adulthood (might include parents, aunts, uncles, friend’s parent, teachers, tutors, sport coaches or grandparents). That being the case, our children will seek greater counsel outside our homes than any 1-parent or 2-parent family would naturally supply. Our children are not disadvantaged by living in a 1-parent family so long as we equip them with the words and the confidence to understand their life change and to communicate it to themselves and their peer group. And love – expressed verbally, physically, emotionally and practically – is key.

2. I’m Infinitely Resourceful

In its most simplistic terms I’ve realized that when I’m clear about something there is always a way to make that thing happen. I’ve tested this in the areas of childcare, communicating with my ex, finances, and dating again. SO much of this lesson has come down to the acknowledgement that:

• Confidence is key. It does mean I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone on many occasions. And I still do this (sometimes daily!). It’s how we grow!
• There’s a spiritual element to life. My suggestion is to learn about it, access it and use it (read Return to Love by Marianne Williamson if you’re looking for a neutral starting point).
  

3. I Become What I Think About

I’ve been practicing keeping my mind in a supremely positive place over the last year. I’m choosing not to watch the news, not to read the newspapers, not to listen to gossip, to contribute only to positive conversations, to acknowledge my successes, to be honest about where I can improve and to actively hold a picture in my head of what success looks like for me.

If your mind is focused on a positive, bright, hopeful, exciting vision, that’s the direction your life will head in. Like anything else though keeping our mind in this place is a skill set. So it’s worth practicing and improving this talent on a daily basis. Henry Ford said, “If you think you can or you think you can’t … you’re right.” I like to fill my head with the ‘I can’ part and go from there!

4. I Commit to Lifelong Learning

When I look back to my early Single Parenting years they were hugely more challenging than I find the elements of my life these days. It’s not that I do less now (on the contrary), it’s that I’ve invested quality time in learning from others, reading books, going to seminars, recognizing my own style of working and committing to have my life and my family’s life move forward with whatever resources we’re equipped with.

New learning has allowed me to recognize my daughter’s needs ahead of time; feel confident about my role as a working mother; keep calm (mostly) when the pressure builds; ask for help more; manage my diary better; recognize that the universe is on my side; grow my business; get more comfortable with risk; celebrate more openly; be more sensitive to my ex’s expectations; be less judgmental; frame all situations for the positive … uh, so much learning. It’s an ongoing, lifelong journey and open mindedness is a choice.

5. Change is Good

I’m learning that to hold back change is like asking the tide not to come in. Change is part of the design of nature. We are born to dream, to ponder on what ‘more’ would look like. To watch our children grow physically while we as adults continue to develop intellectually, emotionally and spiritually to support ourselves and them. Embracing change allows us to tap into parts of our character that were designed to be utilized over time. Like all personal evolution, it requires boldness and encouragement. That’s what SSP is here to provide.

If you want tomorrow to be different from today, you must do something differently. Create order in a part of your house that needs it; change the tone you use with your children; decide to apply for that new job; decide to put down a deposit on that new house; join a new club; call a friend that you miss; go dating (eek!); book a holiday. Make your life extraordinary one day at a time. Starting today!

Talking about feeling up … have you had a look at the interviews with Single Mums on the website? www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.co.uk/products/. If you haven’t already seen them, here’s the low down …

… over the past year, I’ve interviewed 5 Single Parents (4 mums and 1 dad) with hugely different stories and backgrounds. I did this so that everyone in our community could continue to grow and learn from those who’ve been there before us. I’ve made these interviews conveniently accessible (you can download the audio instantly and a full transcript of the interview is emailed to you in seconds … So you can print it out and read it on the bus!). I’ve also made these products super-affordable because I want everyone out there to have access and I want us all to get used to sharing wisdom in this way. I’d love your feedback once you’ve listened to one or two of them. Read the introductions to see which one you might find most valuable … See what you think. Again, it’s: www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.co.uk/products/. Take a new look!

If you read my last ezine you’ll know that I was in a bit of a predicament with ‘the ex’ recently and was concerned about his reaction to me taking our daughter out of school for the last day of term (To read the whole article go to last week’s ezine (www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.co.uk/resources/). Anyway, in short the response I got was not a pretty sight … cross emails and raised voices (not mine!). Another opportunity for me to be thankful that in this age, in this country we can choose to live separately to those we once chose to live together with.

What I did learn from that experience is that 6 years on from my divorce, SO much has changed. Generally, my ex and I communicate constructively (This has taken time for us both!), respect each other’s boundaries and get on with our separate lives. When that isn’t the case, I am SO much less emotionally impacted now – and boy that feels good! It was a revelation to me to learn that post our divorce, my ex was no longer my family. He will always be part of my daughter’s family and that’s a relationship I’ll encourage, facilitate and equip her to manage for as long as she needs me there.

My Feature Article this week is called “Celebrate – You’re Great”. I thought I’d write this one to remind us all to focus on our own ‘amazingness’ and to consciously steer away from comparing ourselves and our lives to that of friends, colleagues or parents in ‘normal’(!) families!